JOHN
NEWTON’S AUTOBIOGRAPHY WRITTEN IN THE FORM OF LETTERS TO A FRIEND.
Service to
December
1742 First meeting with Mary (14 years
old)
Stays in
Loses
opportunity to go to
Sails to
Has a Dream
December
1743 Returns to
John Newton
taken into Navy by press gang
Midshipman
on naval ship HMS Harwich
Influenced
by freethinker
December
1744 Returns to
Visits Mary
- returns late to ship (
January –
storm delays ship at
Leaves ship
without permission.
Caught,
imprisoned, put in irons, stripped and whipped, degraded.
LETTER
III.
DEAR SIR,
John
Newton’s love
A
few days before my intended journey into
Give me leave, sir, to reflect a little upon
this unexpected incident, and to consider its influence upon my future life,
and how far it was subservient to the views of divine providence concerning
me, which seem to have been twofold: that by being given up for a while to the
consequences of my own wilfulness, and afterwards reclaimed by a high hand, my
case, so far as it should be known, might be both a warning and an encouragement
to others.
In the first place, hardly anything less than
this violent and commanding passion, would have been sufficient to awaken me
from the dull melancholy habit I had contracted. I was almost a misanthrope,
notwithstanding I so much admired the pictures of virtue and benevolence as
drawn by Lord Shaftesbury; but now my reluctance to active life was overpowered
at once, and I was willing to be or to do anything, which might subserve the
accomplishment of my wishes at some future time.
Farther, when I afterwards made shipwreck of
faith, hope, and conscience, my love to this person was the only remaining
principle, which in any degree supplied their place; and the bare possibility
of seeing her again was the only present and obvious means of restraining me
from the most horrid designs against myself and others.
But then the ill effects it brought upon me
counterbalanced these advantages. The interval, usually styled the time of
courtship, is indeed a pleasing part of life, where there is a mutual affection,
the consent of friends, a reasonable prospect as to settlement, and the whole
is conducted in a prudential manner, and in subordination to the will and fear
of God. When things are thus situated, it is a blessing to be susceptive of the
tender passions; but when these concomitants are wanting, what we call “love”
is the most tormenting passion in itself, and the most destructive in its
consequences that can be named, And they were all wanting in my case. I durst
not mention it to her friends, nor to my own, nor indeed for a considerable
time to herself, as I could make no proposals: it remained as a secret fire,
locked up in my own breast, which gave me a constant uneasiness. By introducing
an idolatrous regard to a creature, it greatly weakened my sense of religion,
and made farther way for the entrance of infidel principles; and though it
seemed to promise great things, as an incentive to diligence and activity in
life, in reality it performed nothing. I often formed great projects in my
mind, of what I would willingly do or suffer, for the sake of her I loved; yet,
while I could have her company, I was incapable of forcing myself away, to
improve opportunities that offered. Still less could it do in regulating my
manners. It did not prevent me from engaging in a long train of excess and
riot, utterly unworthy the honourable pretensions I had formed. And though,
through the wonderful interposition of divine goodness, the maze of my follies
was at length unravelled, and my wishes crowned in such a manner as overpaid my
sufferings; yet, I am sure, I would not go through the same series of trouble
again, to possess all the treasures of both the
John Newton loses the opportunity to
go to Jamaica – sails to Venice
I have enlarged more than I intended on this
point, as perhaps these papers may be useful to caution others against
indulging an ungovernable passion. My
heart being now fixed, and riveted to a particular object, I considered
everything I was concerned with in a new light. I concluded it would be
absolutely impossible to live at such a distance as
Importunity and opportunity presenting every
day, I once more began to relax from the sobriety and order which I had
observed, in some degree, for more than two years. I was sometimes pierced with
sharp convictions; but, though I made a few faint efforts to stop, I never
recovered from this declension, as I had done from several before. I did not,
indeed, as yet, turn out profligate; but I was making large strides towards a
total apostasy from God. The most remarkable check and alarm I received (and,
for what I know, the last) was by a dream, which made a very strong, though not
an abiding, impression upon my mind.
The consideration of whom I am writing to
renders it needless for me, either to enter upon a discussion of the nature of
dreams in general, or to make an apology for recording my own. Those who
acknowledge Scripture will allow that there have been monitory and supernatural
dreams, evident communications from heaven, either directing or foretelling
future events; and those who are acquainted with the history and experience of
the people of God are well assured that such intimations have not been totally
withheld in any period down to the present times. (Job xxiii. I5-I8.) For my
own part I can say, without scruple, "The dream is certain, and the interpretation
thereof sure."
I am sure I dreamed to the following effect,
and I cannot doubt, from what I have seen since, that it had a direct and easy
application to my own circumstances, to the dangers in which I was about to
plunge myself, and to the unmerited deliverance and mercy which God would be
pleased to offer me in the time of my distress.
Though I have written out a relation of this
dream more than once for others, it 'has happened that I never reserved a copy;
but the principal incidents are so deeply engraven in my memory, that, I
believe, I am not liable to any considerable variations in repeating the
account.
John Newton’s Dream
The scene presented to my imagination was the
Upon this I awoke, in a state of mind not to be
described; I could hardly eat, or sleep, or transact my necessary business for
two or three days; but the impression soon wore off, and in a little time I
totally forgot it, and I think it hardly occurred to my mind again till several
years afterwards.
It will appear, in the course of these papers
that a time came when I found myself in circumstances very nearly resembling
those suggested by this extraordinary dream, when I stood helpless and
hopeless upon the brink of an awful eternity; and I doubt not but, had the eyes
of my mind been then opened, I should have seen my grand enemy-who had seduced
me wilfully to renounce and cast away my religious profession, and to involve
myself in the most complicated crimes -- pleased with my agonies, and waiting
for a permission to seize and bear away my soul to this place of torment. I
should perhaps have likewise seen that Jesus, whom I had persecuted and defied,
rebuking the adversary, claiming me for His own, as a brand plucked out of the
fire, and saying, "Deliver him from going down to the pit: I have found a
ransom."
However, though I saw not these things, I found
the benefit; I obtained mercy. The Lord I answered for me in the day of my distress;
and, blessed be His name, He who restored the ring (or what was signified by
it) vouchsafes to keep it. Oh, what an unspeakable comfort is this - that I am
not in mine own keeping! (I Peter i. I-5.) "The Lord is my Shepherd." I have been enabled to trust my all
in His hands, and I know in whom I have believed. Satan still desires to have
me - that he might sift me as wheat; but my Saviour has prayed for me, that my
faith may not fail. Here is my security and power, a bulwark against which the
gates of hell cannot prevail. But for this, many a time and often (if possible)
I should have ruined myself, since my first deliverance, nay, I should fall,
and stumble, and perish still, after all that the Lord has done for me, if His
faithfulness were not engaged in my behalf, to be my sun and shield, even unto
death. "Bless
the Lord, 0 my soul !"
(December 1743)
John Newton taken into Navy by press
gang
Harwich Man-of-War
Nothing very remarkable occurred in the following
part of that voyage. I returned home in December, I743, and soon after repeated
my visit to Kent, where I protracted my stay in the same imprudent manner as I
had done before, which again disappointed my father's designs in my favour, and
almost provoked him to disown me. Before anything suitable offered again, I was
taken by an impress gang (owing entirely to my own thoughtless conduct), and
put on board a tender. It was at a critical juncture, when the French fleets
were hovering upon our coast, so that my father was not able to procure my
release; In a few days I was sent on board the Harwich man-of-war, at
the Nore. I entered here upon quite a new scene of life, and endured much
hardship for about a month. My father was then willing that I should remain in
the navy, as a war was daily expected, and procured me a recommendation to the
captain, who took me upon the quarter-deck as a midshipman.
I had now an easy life, as to externals, and
might have gained respect; but my mind was unsettled, and my behaviour very
indifferent. I here met with companions who completed the ruin of my
principles; and though I affected to talk of virtue, and was not so outwardly
abandoned as afterwards, yet my delight and habitual practice was wickedness.
My chief intimate was a person of exceedingly good natural talents, and much
observation. He was the greatest master of what is called the freethinking
scheme I remember to have met with; and he knew how to insinuate his sentiments
in the most plausible way. His zeal also was equal to his address; he could
hardly have laboured more in the cause if he had expected to gain heaven by it.
Allow me to add, while I think of it, that this
man, whom I honoured as my master, and whose practice I adopted so eagerly,
perished in the same way as I expected to have done. I have been told that he
was overtaken, in a voyage from
But to return. I was fond of his company, and
having myself a smattering of books, was eager enough to show my reading. He
soon perceived my case, that I had not wholly broke through the restraints of'
conscience, and therefore did not shock me at first with too broad intimations
of his design; he rather, as I thought, spoke favourably of religion. But when
he had gained my confidence, he began to speak plainer; and perceiving my
ignorant attachment to the Characteristics, he joined issue with me upon
that book, and convinced me that I had never understood it. In a word, he so
plied me with objections and arguments that my depraved heart was soon gained,
and I entered into his plan with all my spirit. Thus, like an unwary sailor,
who quits his port just before a rising storm, I renounced the hopes and
comforts of the gospel at the very time when every other comfort was about to
fail me.
(December 1744 – January 1745)
In December, I744, the Harwich was in
the
At length we sailed from
John Newton leaves the ship without
permission
While we lay at Plymouth I heard that my
father, who had interest in some of the ships lately lost, was come down to
Torbay. He had a connection at that time with the African Company. I thought if
I could get to him he might easily introduce me into that service, which would
be better than pursuing a long uncertain voyage to the East Indies. It was a
maxim with me, in those unhappy days, never to deliberate: the thought hardly occurred
to me, but I was resolved I would leave the ship at all events. I did so, and in the worst manner possible. I
was sent one day in the boat, to take care that none of the people deserted;
but I betrayed my trust, and went off myself. I knew not what road to take, and
durst not ask, for fear of being suspected; yet having some general idea of the
country, I guessed right, and, when I had travelled some miles, I found, upon
enquiry, that I was on the road to Dartmouth. All went smoothly that day, and part
of the next; I walked apace, and expected to have been with my father in about
two hours, when I was met by a small party of soldiers. I could not avoid or
deceive them. They brought me back to Plymouth. I walked through the streets
guarded like a felon. My heart was full of indignation, shame, and fear. I was
confined two days in the guard-house, then sent on board my ship, kept awhile
in irons, then publicly stripped and whipped, after which I was degraded from
my office, and all my former companions forbidden to show me the least favour,
or even to speak to me. As midshipman, I had been entitled to some command,
which (being sufficiently haughty and vain) I had not been backward to exert. I
was now in my turn brought down to a level with the lowest, and exposed to the
insults of all.
And as my present situation was uncomfortable,
my future prospects were still worse. The evils I suffered were likely to grow
heavier every day. While my catastrophe was recent, the officers and my former
friends were somewhat disposed to screen me from ill usage; but during the
little time I remained with them afterwards, I found them cool very fast in
their endeavours to protect me. Indeed they could not avoid it, without running
a great risk of sharing with me; for the captain, though in general a humane
man, who behaved very well to the ship's company, was almost implacable in his
resentment, when he had been greatly offended, and took several occasions to
show himself so to me, and the voyage was expected to be (as it proved) for
five years. Yet I think nothing I either felt or feared distressed me so much
as to see myself thus forcibly torn away from the object of my affections,
under a great improbability of seeing her again, and a much greater of
returning in such a manner as would give me hopes of seeing her mine. Thus I
was as miserable on all hands as could well be imagined. My breast was filled
with the most excruciating passions --eager desire, bitter rage, and black
despair. Every hour exposed me to some new insult and hardship, with no hope
of relief or mitigation, no friend to take my part, or to listen to my
complaint. Whether I looked inward or outward, I could perceive nothing but
darkness and misery. I think no case, except that of a conscience wounded by
the wrath of God, could be more dreadful than mine. I cannot express with what
wishfulness and regret I cast my last looks upon the English shore. I kept my
eyes fixed upon it till, the ship's distance increasing, it insensibly
disappeared; and when I could see it no longer, I was tempted to throw myself
into the sea, which (according to the wicked system I had adopted) would put an
end to all my sorrows at once. But the secret hand of God restrained me. Help
me to praise Him, dear sir, for His wonderful goodness to the most unworthy of
all His creatures.
I am,
Your
most obliged Servant.