JOHN NEWTON’S AUTOBIOGRAPHY WRITTEN IN THE FORM OF LETTERS TO A FRIEND.
Service to
LETTER IX.
John Newton’s Conversion
DEAR SIR,
I have brought
my history down to the time of my arrival in Ireland, 1748; but before I
proceed I would look back a little, to give you some further account of the
state of my mind, and how far I was helped against inward difficulties, which
beset me at the time I had many outward hardships to struggle with. The straits
of hunger, cold, weariness, and the fears of sinking and starving, I shared in
common with others; but besides these I felt a heartbitterness which was
properly my own, no one on board but myself being impressed with a sense of the
hand of God in our danger and deliverance, at least not awakened to any concern
for their souls. No temporal trials can reach the heart, unless the Lord
Himself applies them. My companions in danger were either quite unaffected, or
soon forgot it all But it was not so with me. Not that I was any wiser or
better than they, but because the Lord was pleased to vouchsafe me peculiar
mercy, otherwise I was the most unlikely person in the ship to receive an impression,
having been often before quite stupid and hardened in the very face of great
dangers, and always, till this time, had hardened my neck still more and more
after every reproof. I can see no reason why the Lord singled me out for mercy
but this, "that so it seemed good to Him"; unless it was to show, by
one astonishing instance, that with Him "nothing is impossible."
The
changed thinking of John Newton
There
were no persons on board to whom I could open my mind with freedom concerning the
state of my soul, none from whom I could ask advice. .As to books, I had a New
Testament (Stanhope, already mentioned), and a volume of Bishop Beveridge's
Sermons, one of which, upon our Lord's passion, affected me much. In
perusing the New Testament I was struck with several passages, particularly
that of the fig-tree. (Luke xiii.) The case of St.
Paul (1 Timothy i.), but particularly the prodigal (Luke xv.), a case, I
thought, that had never been so nearly exemplified as by myself; and then the
goodness of the father in receiving, nay, in running to meet such a son, and
this tended to illustrate the Lord's goodness to returning sinners-this gained
upon me. I continued much in prayer. I saw that the Lord had interposed so FAR
to save me, and I hoped He would do more.
The
outward circumstances helped in this place to make me still more serious and
earnest in crying to Him who alone could relieve me; and sometimes I thought I
could be content to die even for want of food, if I might but die a believer. Thus
far I was answered, that, before we arrived in
Thus far
the Lord had wrought a marvelous thing. I was no longer an infidel. I heartily
renounced my former profaneness. I had taken up some right notions, was
seriously disposed, and sincerely touched with a sense of the undeserved mercy
I had received, in being brought safely through so many dangers. I was sorry
for my past misspent life, and purposed an immediate reformation. I was quite
freed from the habit of swearing, which seemed to have been deeply rooted in me
as a second nature. Thus, to all appearance, I was a new man.
But
though I cannot doubt that this change, so far as it prevailed, was wrought by
the Spirit and power of God, yet still I was greatly deficient in many
respects. I was in some degree affected with a sense of my more enormous sins,
but I was little aware of the innate evils of my heart. I had no apprehension
of the spirituality and extent of the law of God. The hidden life of a
"Christian, as it consists in communion with God by Jesus Christ, and a
continual dependence on Him for hourly supplies of wisdom, strength, and
comfort, was a mystery of which I had as yet no knowledge. I acknowledged the
Lord's mercy in pardoning what was past, but depended chiefly upon my own
resolution to do better for the time to come. I had no Christian friend or
faithful minister to advise me that my strength was no more than my
righteousness; and though I soon began to inquire for serious books, yet, not
having spiritual discernment, I frequently made a wrong choice, and I was not
brought in the way of evangelical preaching or conversation (except the few
times when I heard but understood not) for six years after this period.
Those
things the Lord was pleased to discover to me gradually. I learnt them
"here a little, and there a little," by my own painful experience, at
a distance from the common means and ordinances, and in the midst of the same
course of evil company, and bad examples, as I had been conversant with for
some time. From this period I could no more make a mock at sin, or jest with
holy things. I no more questioned the truth of Scripture, or lost a sense of
the rebukes of conscience. Therefore I consider this as the beginning of my
return to God, or rather of His return to me; but I cannot consider myself to
have been a believer (in the full sense of the word) till a considerable time
afterwards.
I
have told you that, in the time of our distress, we had fresh water in
abundance. This was a considerable relief to us, especially as our spare diet
was mostly salt fish without bread. We drank plentifully, and were not afraid
of wanting water, yet our stock of this likewise was much nearer to an end than
we expected. We supposed that we had six large butts of water on board, and it
was well that we were safely arrived in Ireland before we discovered that five
of them were empty, having been removed out of their places, and stove in by
the violent agitation when the ship was full of water. If we had found this out
while we were at sea, it would have greatly heightened our distress, as we must
have drunk more sparingly.
While
the ship was refitting at Lough Swilly I went to
This
was not a formal, but a sincere surrender under a warm sense of mercies
recently received, and yet, for want of a better knowledge of myself and the
subtlety of Satan's temptations, I was seduced to forget the vows of God that were
upon me. Upon the whole, though my views of the gospel-salvation were very
indistinct, I experienced a peace and satisfaction in the ordinance that day
to which I had been hitherto a perfect stranger.
The
next day I was abroad with the mayor of the city, and some other gentlemen,
shooting. I climbed up a steep bank, and pulling my fowlingpiece after me, as
I held it in a perpendicular direction it went off so near my face as to burn
away the corner of my hat. Thus, when we think ourselves in the greatest
safety, we are no less exposed to danger than when all the elements seem
conspiring to destroy us. The divine
Death of his father
During
our stay in
My
father, willing to contribute all in his power to my satisfaction, paid a visit
before his departure to my friends in
May
1748
I
arrived at --- the latter end of May, 1748, about the same day that my father
sailed from the Nore, but found the Lord had provided me another father in the
gentleman whose ship had brought me home. He received me with great tenderness,
and the strongest expressions of friendship and assistance, yet not more than
he has since made good, for to him, as the instrument of God's goodness, I owe
my all. Yet it would not have been in the power, even of this friend, to have
served me effectually, if the Lord had not met with me on my way home, as I
have related. Till then I was like the man possessed with the "legion."
No arguments, no persuasion, no views of interest, no remembrance of the past,
or regard to the future, could have constrained me within the bounds of common
prudence. But now I was in some measure restored to my senses. My friend
immediately offered me the command of a ship, but upon mature consideration I
declined it for the present. I had been hitherto always unsettled and careless,
and therefore thought I had better make another voyage first, and learn to
obey, and acquire a further insight and experience in business before I
ventured to undertake such a charge. The mate of the vessel I came home in was
transferred to the command of a new ship, and I engaged to go in the station of
mate with him. I made a short visit to
I am,
Yours, etc.